I’ve thought a lot about myself, and about the fact that I feel like a qilin from Zamonia, in the books by Walter Moers. I have felt this way since my early childhood, although I’ve only recently learned the term “fictionkin”. I thought I was crazy, that I was suffering from personality disorders, but the more I tried NOT to be a qilin, the worse it became.
After several attempts to “correct” my identity in order to “feel human”, I made the decision – which was very difficult – to embrace this qilin identity, if only as a fursona character in my mind. I need this identity as a qilin, and would use any explanation as long as it worked. As long as it does not stop me from functioning normally in the human world, I don’t see a problem.
I talked to my therapist. I had been telling myself that I was crazy for what I felt. My therapist asked me if I am “wrong for trying to be human”. Then said that as long as I need to be a qilin to feel right as a person, I have to hang on to it because it makes me stronger. I have to maintain it. I have to use it to my advantage.
So I decided that I would share my thoughts by putting them on my blog, because the qilin is part of me. The qilin is me.
I also made the decision to fight against the shadowy entity that is in my head. After all it’s a part of my psyche. It is the expression of my fears, my anxieties, my suffering, and everything that is not healthy.
No one can do it for me. I have to face it alone.
Defending my mind.
Defending my forest.
Defending my HOME.